Did You Really Just Say That?

I think I may have written about this elsewhere, but perhaps not here on my blog.  I go a little bit crazy inside (and sometimes outside, after I get home) when I hear the way some people refer to adoption, and indirectly, infertility.  Case in point: last fall at a block party, my next-door neighbor told me that she "hated being pregnant" and that next time she'd "just adopt" because it was easier.  She has no idea how lucky she is that I'm not a confrontational person and that I didn't knock her block off.  First, I had to process that she'd actually said that, and second, that she'd said it to ME.  Fortunately, it was dark so she didn't see the look of disbelief Brigham and I shared.

When I'm really frustrated, I wonder, what makes people think it's okay to say things like that?  I have to realize (and remind myself over and over) that they don't understand and mostly likely don't mean to be hurtful. But it still hurts.  It hurts to be told, when I tell someone that we adopted Olivia, "That must have been nice.  At least you didn't have to get all fat and pregnant and sick."  (Same neighbor said this to me.  No lie.)  I see it as I didn't get to get all fat and pregnant and sick.  I didn't get to carry a child in my womb, to feel it moving and growing.  I didn't get to feel that I was bringing one of God's precious children into the world.  My neighbor, and others who have said similar things have no idea what I would have given to have those experiences.

I've sworn off baby showers because I choose not to subject myself to that pain over and over and over again. I don't want to go to a party and look at all that cute baby stuff and listen to an hour or more of party guests airing their pregnancy complaints.  I don't want to hear about comparative degrees of morning sickness, backaches, and labor pains.  I realize that it's their right, and I also realize that if I were pregnant, I'm sure I would find something to complain about.  After all, I find plenty to complain about in the adoption process!  And I know that no one does it to make me feel left out or feel like crawling into a hole and crying my eyes out, but I'm just not strong enough to sit there and smile through it all.  And you know what?  That's okay.

I've found my place.  I have a group of wonderful women who understand me and understand adoption.  Each of us is hoping to adopt for the first time, has already adopted once and is hoping to adopt again, or has adopted more than once.  In other words, we support adoption.  And we support each other.  We meet once a month, and often talk in between, and talk adoption.  We talk about our struggles with infertility and the scary, unknown, waiting periods while hoping to be matched with a birth mother.  We talk about sensitive topics that only people like us can understand.  And at least half of us cry.  These women have helped to save my sanity while struggling through this process.  We have a bond stronger than that of any other group to which I've ever belonged.  We truly love, support, and understand each other.  That can be hard to come by in this world.

I had sinus surgery last month.  On my first foray into the real world, I ran into my neighbor at the store.  I was already feeling like I probably should have stayed home a few more days (I had broken into a sweat just standing still.), and she said to me, "You guys were talking about adopting a baby.  Have you done it yet?"  If I hadn't felt so lousy, I might have done a better job of educating her.  I don't remember exactly what I said, but what I was thinking was, "Okay, number one: We live right next door to you.  Don't you think you would have noticed if we had a baby?  Number two: You have absolutely no idea how adoption works, do you?  Do you think it's as easy as going to the store and selecting this gallon of milk in my basket?"  Yes, I need to educate her, but first I need to get past all the stupid things she's said to me.  (Poor woman.  I don't mean to malign her, but she has said an inordinate number of things to me that make me want to rip her head off.)

Oh, and did you know that this is National Infertility Awareness Week?



And as always, here's the link to our adoption profile: http://www.parentprofiles.com/profiles/db27502.html
Pass it on!