It is our mission, this month and every month, to promote and support adoption. We believe children grow best in families. We believe adoption brings families together. We believe adoption promotes diversity. We believe adoption strengthens our communities. We believe adoption is a lifelong journey. We believe adoption is born in the heart... We have a vision - A Family for Every Child. Join us this month to celebrate, promote and raise awareness for adoption.
The above statement is from the Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) website. Since November is Adoption Awareness Month, I thought I'd put together a post I've been planning to do for a long time. Adoption and society's perceptions of adoption have changed significantly over the last two decades. Many adopted children (including ours) know their birth mother. Something that hasn't changed, unfortunately, is the language many people use when talking about adoption.
We all say stupid, hurtful, offensive things at one time or another. I like to think that most of it is completely unintentional and stems from not understanding a situation or person, and not from a desire to be insensitive.
A few weeks ago Brigham and I were talking with one of our neighbors about our hope to adopt again. She said (and, no, I'm not making this up), "Seems easier to adopt. I was not happy being pregnant." She's lucky I didn't hit her! I'm sure that she had no idea that what she'd said was insensitive (and stupid).
So now let's talk about to and what not to say when talking about adoption. These are a just a few tips regarding the negative adoption language I hear the most and are in no specific order--they're all important.
- Birth mother. A woman is NOT a birth mother until she places her child for adoption. Using the term "birth mother" for an expectant mother who may be considering making an adoption plan makes the assumption that she is going to place her baby. Calling her a "birth mother" may seem to negate her choice in the matter. Until she places her baby, she is simply a mother.
- Give up or give away. Please don't ever, ever, ever say that. Birth mothers do not "give up" or "give away" their children. The appropriate term is "place." I heard a birth mother say something like this: "You give away something you don't care about or aren't attached to. You very carefully place something fragile, something that you love very much."
- And don't ask a birth mother if she placed her child because she didn't want it. All the birth mothers I've learned from desperately wanted their babies. It's their deep love for their children that helps them make the difficult decision to place.
- Real parent. We've been asked lots of times who Olivia's "real" parents are. Are we not real? The term to use here is "birth parent" or even "biological parent." (And by the way, we love to talk about Olivia's birth parents because we love them.)
Many of you have received some of our adoption pass along cards in the mail or I may have put them in your hot little hands myself. They look like this:
Front
Back
If you didn't get any, and would like some, please send me a message at: sdavisfordham(at)gmail(dot)com. Are you wondering what to do with them? You don't have to wander around scoping out pregnant women and hand them a card. (Although, don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind!) You could talk to your friends and family about us. You never who know who might know someone who might be looking for a family for her baby. Give one to your hair dresser, your dentist, your doctor. Tape one to every door in your neighborhood. Okay, maybe don't do that last one. But don't be shy. (Yes, I know. That was funny coming from me.) The point is that you don't have to hold onto those cards until you hear of an expectant mother who is considering making an adoption plan. I gave one to the cashier at the store when she asked why I was buying five books of stamps. I left one when I paid the bill when I took Olivia for ice cream. It's easy, and can be effective, too. I'm including a link to a story about how pass along cards brought about an adoption.
http://queandbrittany.blogspot.com/2009/07/one-where-you-learn-how-it-happened.html Check out the rest of Brittany's blog. She's awesome!
We appreciate your help!
Front
Back
If you didn't get any, and would like some, please send me a message at: sdavisfordham(at)gmail(dot)com. Are you wondering what to do with them? You don't have to wander around scoping out pregnant women and hand them a card. (Although, don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind!) You could talk to your friends and family about us. You never who know who might know someone who might be looking for a family for her baby. Give one to your hair dresser, your dentist, your doctor. Tape one to every door in your neighborhood. Okay, maybe don't do that last one. But don't be shy. (Yes, I know. That was funny coming from me.) The point is that you don't have to hold onto those cards until you hear of an expectant mother who is considering making an adoption plan. I gave one to the cashier at the store when she asked why I was buying five books of stamps. I left one when I paid the bill when I took Olivia for ice cream. It's easy, and can be effective, too. I'm including a link to a story about how pass along cards brought about an adoption.
http://queandbrittany.blogspot.com/2009/07/one-where-you-learn-how-it-happened.html Check out the rest of Brittany's blog. She's awesome!
We appreciate your help!
2 comments:
As someone who constantly says stupid things, I'm glad to hear these suggestions! Good points!
You know I wasn't talking about you, Julie!
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