Warning: Kind of a Downer

It's been a long time since my last post. I have lots of excuses. Thinking about how far behind I am makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have to start somewhere, though, so here's the newest installment.

I've been feeling very sorry for myself the last few days. Nine of my friends have either recently given birth or will be doing so in the next eight months. Where's my baby? Oh, right, before I can even hope for a baby I have to finish filling out an outrageous amount of paperwork, which will then be scrutinized by the state of Arizona. The state of Arizona and I don't see eye to eye on a number of issues, but hopefully we will on this one.

It is so very frustrating to have to jump through so many hoops, reporting things that couples not trying to adopt don't have to divulge to strangers. I find myself slumped down again in the Valley of Why. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do we have to deal with infertility? Why do people who have no business having children, who will neglect and abuse them, pop them out left and right? Why? Fortunately, the Valley of Why is not my final destination, which is good because it really stinks.

Is everything we have to do in order to get approved to adopt worth it? Absolutely! But is it fair? Just going to keep my mouth shut there. If we hadn't gone through this process four years ago we wouldn't have Olivia today. We love our adoption story and wouldn't change a thing about how Olivia came to us. We love her birth parents and those who supported them in their difficult decision. We love the relationship we have with Olivia's birth mother. She's family and will always be a part of our lives. We love adoption. We just don't love the getting from here to there.

I am haunted by the thought, "What if we go through all this and don't get a baby?" We're not exactly spring chickens. But we are good parents. When I dwell on the statistics of birth mothers vs. hopeful adoptive parents, I get a sinking feeling in my gut. I hate feeling like this. I hate getting stuck in this rut of negative thinking.

I usually do pretty well, but lately I've been wishing it was my turn next. (Nevermind that we haven't been as diligent as we should have in getting paperwork completed.) And let me just say here that I am very happy for my friends who are having babies. Many of them have struggled with miscarriages, infertility, and IVF. It hasn't been easy for them, either. I feel a kinship with them, am thrilled for them, and still wish it were my turn---all at the same time.

So instead of continuing on this pity voyage that can only end in emotional shipwreck, I am choosing to be more positive. And to get my posterior in gear. I'm setting a goal for us to have our paperwork, medical exams, home study, and interviews completed by April 17th. That's a significant date in our lives. It's our seventh wedding anniversary and also the third anniversary of the finalization of Olivia's adoption. A bit over six weeks. It just might be doable.